I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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