i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
