Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
