I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
It's official drugs can't kill me
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
