It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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