She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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