It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
