how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
