having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize