I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
