Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Randomize
