She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
