i wish my penis had a tongue
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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