Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
