did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
