Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
