I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Randomize
