watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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