Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
