I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
So squirting runs in the family.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize