He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
