Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
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