The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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