I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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