Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Someone signed my nipple.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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