My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
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