I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
