You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
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