There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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