How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Randomize
