Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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