a queef is a wish your heart makes.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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