Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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