So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Randomize
