I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
