we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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