i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
