everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
how do you play pong handcuffed?
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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