I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
