And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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