happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
