I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Randomize
