Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
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