made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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