So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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