i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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