i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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