I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
