Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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