He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
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