dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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