We're like a lot better than the average bears
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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