Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
