end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
she told me i tasted like america
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
