Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
