Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
this boner is exhausting
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
