Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
